


Drowning

by diduforget123



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Inner Dialogue, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26244460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diduforget123/pseuds/diduforget123
Summary: Sometimes drowning is the best feeling of the world
Kudos: 4





	Drowning

It’s the feeling of drowning that scares Chan the most. The helplessness of just sinking further down into the water, lungs burning, the wet surrounding suffocating. His head is so under that nothing is comprehensive. He can’t breathe, can’t see. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much, and he barely registers the fact that he is slipping further and further.

It always starts with detachment. 

It starts with him pretending like he’s okay, like he’s fine and that no one should worry. And the smile, God, the fucking smile is the best part. The part where he feels himself completely put a mask on. The part where he slips so far into a different personality that people believe he’s okay. He seems okay. His smile seems genuine, his laugh sounds realistic and joyful, but inside he feels the burning beginning to build up. The feeling bubbles up in his chest, which does nothing but internally eats him up, swallowing him whole. It’s painful, but it’s better to suffer alone, right?

At least that’s what he thinks. He knows the other’s care, but he knows they have their own problems, their own lives. Just the thought of even slightly being an inconvenience to them makes him feel sick to his stomach. He’s an empathetic person, sure, but he will always care more for others’ wellbeing than his own. It’s that thought, that personality that has been deeply rooted in him that makes him feel this way. He is the sole person that people come to for comfort, for relief, and advice. Really, he doesn’t know how much he helps people, but Chan thinks that if he can help in the slightest bit, that it’s enough. So that is what keeps him going on. And now, his feelings are repressed, shoved in a box deep inside of his brain, and thrown into the furthest, darkest part of his thoughts. They don’t lie there dormant, no, they continuously come alive, clawing at him,  _ begging  _ him to be released. But he can’t, can’t let people see him like this.

He hates it. 

He hates the feeling it releases because it makes him feel human. It makes him feel alive. But he hates the reminder that he is here, that he is still breathing. The reminder is morbid to him. 

But, he can’t always keep it in. Chan hates those times, but it’s better to feel something than nothing at all, right? He slips away very easily during these times, using the excuse that he is tired or has something else to do, and it works. Other times, he chooses just to disappear completely, hoping to God he can keep his peace alone. 

Once he is alone, he takes his thoughts to his notes or private accounts that lie far away from the public. Chan takes the opportunity to cry, release his innermost demons through writing, or just vent to the unknown. 

Then the real feeling settles in, and he’s diving deep. He is diving straight into the treacherous sea, disturbed by the rain and the wind. The swells are large and unpredictable, crashing and forming at the strangest moments. Once he breaches the water, the sinking begins. He dives deeper and deeper into his thoughts. Thinking and feeling, he is gasping for air, nothing coming in but the water he is surrounded by. The burning starts in his lungs, and his tears are combining with the seawater.

And for just, one moment, he feels euphoric. 

He feels free, and he doesn’t care if it’s a false sense of security. He feels like he can truly breathe.

Then, the world comes crashing back to him. His entire past moments rewinding right before his eyes until he is back. Back to his reality, where he is sitting on the bed, wallowing in his self-pity. Aggressively, Chan runs a hand through his hair angrily and lets out a frustrated cry.

He looks to his phone and sees the notifications. All the different texts and messages from his friends make him feel guilty. He knows they saw what he said, and he knows that they are worried about it. 

He hates himself. He hates himself for letting them see this side of him, but he  _ can’t  _ help it. He can’t help but let out a cry and hope no one hears it, only for everyone to come running. Chan trusts them; he does, but… sometimes it’s better to hurt alone, right?

Turning off his phone, Chan rolls onto his side, the tears falling down his face. He forces himself to close his eyes, the darkness taking him. And it’s calm. 

**Author's Note:**

> [ Twitter ](https://twitter.com/Mitochandrla)


End file.
